Tips On Managing Conflict

Tips on Managing Conflict

Irritated? Frustrated? Angry? Ready to Explode?

You're not alone. Whether it's an argument with a friend, aggravation because a driver cuts in front of you, or a disagreement about the best way to do a job -- conflict is part of everyday life. We can't always avoid conflict, but we can learn to manage it without violence. That way, we use conflict to improve our lives and to learn from past mistakes.

What Skills are Needed to Manage Personal Conflict?

Understand your own feelings about conflict. This means recognizing your "trigger" word or actions that immediately provoke an emotional response, like anger. It could be a facial expression, a tone of voice, a pointing finger, a certain phrase. Once you know your "trigger," you can better control your emotions.
Active listening. Go beyond hearing just words; try to understand what the other person is saying. Listen carefully, instead of thinking about what you're going to say next. Active listening requires concentration and body language that says you are paying attention.
Generate options for resolving a conflict. Many people can think of only two ways to manage conflict -- fighting or avoiding the problem. Get the facts straight, brainstorm all ideas that might help resolve the argument. Discuss the pros, the cons, and the consequences.

Moving Toward Agreement and Away from Conflict

Look at your response to conflict. If your style isn't working -- you're left with raging emotions that lead to more problems -- try to change.
State your needs and define the problem. Talk about the issues without insulting or blaming the other person. Don't state your position; that's simply your solution to the problem. Take a hard look at what is said (position) with what is really meant (needs).
Together, discuss various ways of meeting needs or solving the problem. Be flexible and open-minded.
Decide who will be responsible for specific actions after reaching agreement on a plan.

If You Can't Work It Out, Get Help

Try mediation. Mediators do not make decisions for people--they help people make their own decisions.
In mediation sessions, a neutral third person (or persons) helps the parties in conflict resolve their problem. Mediators should be detached and unbiased. They may be professional or volunteers who have undergone intensive training. Mediators do not dictate a settlement; they encourage dialog, provide guidance, and help the parties define areas of agreement and disagreement. A mediation session is confidential.
Try arbitration. In arbitration, a neutral party acts as judge. Disputing parties agree on an arbitrator who then hears evidence from all sides, ask questions, and hands down a decision. Usually, the arbitrator's decision is final. Some arbitration programs use a panel of arbitrators who make decisions by majority vote.
Try an ombudsman. An ombudsman is hired by and works within an institution. The ombudsman's job is to investigate complaints from the public against the institution, make recommendations, and try to resolve problems. He or she has no enforcement power, but must use reason and persuasion to convince management that certain policies or practices should be changed. News papers, television and radio stations, government agencies, health care systems, and educational systems often use ombudsmen.

Tips for Making Peace

Choose a convenient time
Plan ahead
Talk directly
Don't blame or name-call
Give information
Listen
Show that you are listening
Talk it through
Work on a solution
Follow through

Where to Find Help

East Metro Mediation (503-618-2684) (TTY 503-661-5796)
Schools, colleges, universities
Local or state consumer protection officers
Community or neighborhood dispute resolution centers
Local government--district attorney, small claims court, family services
Better Business Bureau
Private organizations listed in the telephone directory's Yellow Pages under arbitration or mediation services
Law school legal clinics